They Say It's Your Birthday...

They Say It's Your Birthday...

It's My Birthday Too...


Ok, we all know the song


or


It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To...


All silliness aside.


I have been in a pretty foul mood lately. It's just life circumstances, body image shot to hell, my greatest fear evolving. It's all of this weight gain. I'm trying so hard to remain in the recovery zone and the thought of this following me into my 44th year saddens me.


I'm still focused on my ultimate goal: HEALTH!


It's a little hard to stay focused when leaving the house causes me anxiety. It makes me shy away from potential good times. I've had some pretty unique opportunities lately that is so out of my "educational realm". Today, the feeling is no different.


* I had tickets to an advanced screening of the muppets... I was going to take the kids I sit for to the show, but they lost this priveledge for misbehaving. Now, I have to credit my friend Katie for following through on my invitation and going to the movie. The area we went to in Yonkers, NY is a completely new shopping and entertainment area. I definitely want to go back and explore when the area is complete, maybe in the Spring. This I would have missed out on if I had isolated in my house. It reminds me of the movie "Yes Man". I love tha movie... and what a gret life lesson.


* Every year we do a nice birthday dinner. I was hemming and hawing about going for a meal I would really enjoy or ordering in and staying in my safe zone, missing out on something that I know deep down I really do want to do. I even know what I want to eat. We are doing Japanese Hibachi. It'll either be scallops or sworfish. Scallops I think.

The night was great. I didn't want gifts, in fact we don't usually do gifts but it felt like Christmas. And my mom even made me my favorite kind of cake. I feel hopeful because I was able to stay in the moment. In fact, I was told that I was beaming.

Hope for year 44? I think so.

Navigating the Netherworld

It's been a long time since I've written. I feel like I've literally checked out of my life and entered this haziness of a netherworld. I'm feeling so much pressure to do right. I feel like people look up to me for all that I have survived. And I'm not ready for that responsibility. I know it's all about the "self" and I need to do what is best for me. But I can't seem to focus on my"self". So the only way I deal with this perceived pressure is to check out emotionally. I feel lost and uncomfortable yet numb.

On October 26th, it will be 2 years from the discharge date of my last hospitalization. And I have only had mini lapses, but not a relapse or anything requiring more intense treatment. In fact, I have cut my psychiatrist down to every other month and my therapist to every ten days. And my nutritionist is on maternity leave.

Spoiler for talk of calories and body fat....

Before Suzanne left for maternity, on our last visit she did metabolic testing and body fat. My baseline needs for my height, weight based on oxygen taken in and carbon dioxide exhaled over a ten minute period was 1550 kcal, not accounting for any real activity. Then she did my body fat and it ranged 22-24%. This was supposed to reassure me because I have not weighed myself in a while. My scale actually grew feet overnight and ran away. I'm serious. I can't find it. But I have come to the sobering realization that...

I... A.M... F.A.T... !!!

I don't want for people to look up to me because i feel llike a failure. A BIG FAT FAILURE. I'm depressed. Depressed and FAT.

(OK, rant is hopefully over.)

I'm working hard to try to open my eyes to the real world and start being aware that I am living and can no longer just float throught my days. There's a whole range of emotions out there but I seem to have forgotten them.

I do have a laundry list of things I'll be trying to do to make myself feel better while feeling better in my physical self. I tell myself that I'm going to be healthy and not obsessive. But obsessive tends to follow me. I no longer have the scale to validate my efforts so I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll have to get down on my hands and knees with a flashlight to see if I can find its new home... maybe not.

Beyond Fatigue and idleness

I've been exhausted. Completely wiped out. But the nice thing, I guess, is that I am letting myself be tired, honoring my body "so to say". At first it was to nurture myself and listen... but now it is playing into depression. I hate saying my depression because i don't want to own it. I don't want it in my life at all. It is an unwanted guest who has been demanding more and more of my time. I'm pulling out of it a little, I think.

I see potential whereeas all I saw before was a person stuck in a never-ending cycle of gray. I've started to do some of the things that I used to love doing. And I've started to dream again. Without dreams, there is no reason to live or function... or live... So i'm starting a bucket list. Now all I need is some motivation to follow thru and not stay holed up in my bedroom.

Financial Freedom- If Only

Finances have been beyond a mess. My illness has me convinced that I can not work a real job, that last time I tried to go back to work, health problems were exacerbated and I wound up in the hospital. My mother is always on my case about my finances. A few weeks ago she didn't lecture, she just reminded me of my "old life" and how I could go shopping whenever I wanted. I could travel. Basically with no limitations and that is what she wants for me.

This felt caring rather than controlling, for once.