It's been a long time since I've written. I feel like I've literally checked out of my life and entered this haziness of a netherworld. I'm feeling so much pressure to do right. I feel like people look up to me for all that I have survived. And I'm not ready for that responsibility. I know it's all about the "self" and I need to do what is best for me. But I can't seem to focus on my"self". So the only way I deal with this perceived pressure is to check out emotionally. I feel lost and uncomfortable yet numb.
On October 26th, it will be 2 years from the discharge date of my last hospitalization. And I have only had mini lapses, but not a relapse or anything requiring more intense treatment. In fact, I have cut my psychiatrist down to every other month and my therapist to every ten days. And my nutritionist is on maternity leave.
Spoiler for talk of calories and body fat....
Before Suzanne left for maternity, on our last visit she did metabolic testing and body fat. My baseline needs for my height, weight based on oxygen taken in and carbon dioxide exhaled over a ten minute period was 1550 kcal, not accounting for any real activity. Then she did my body fat and it ranged 22-24%. This was supposed to reassure me because I have not weighed myself in a while. My scale actually grew feet overnight and ran away. I'm serious. I can't find it. But I have come to the sobering realization that...
I... A.M... F.A.T... !!!
I don't want for people to look up to me because i feel llike a failure. A BIG FAT FAILURE. I'm depressed. Depressed and FAT.
(OK, rant is hopefully over.)
I'm working hard to try to open my eyes to the real world and start being aware that I am living and can no longer just float throught my days. There's a whole range of emotions out there but I seem to have forgotten them.
I do have a laundry list of things I'll be trying to do to make myself feel better while feeling better in my physical self. I tell myself that I'm going to be healthy and not obsessive. But obsessive tends to follow me. I no longer have the scale to validate my efforts so I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll have to get down on my hands and knees with a flashlight to see if I can find its new home... maybe not.
