2-2-12
Positive Life Gains
I have gained much more in these past few years than weight alone. This does not mean that I am happy with the weight, but it does mean that often I can look beyond to woes and sadness associated with me feeling/?being fat. I've spent the past 14 (or 26) years having a distorted image of myself solely based on weight. The past 14 years I have had an almost pathological relationship with my weight. But this has come at a great cost. What have I really lost? Jobs, friends, family closeness, opportunities, years of happiness, a marriage, me...
Probably the most remarkable thing that has come with my recovery is a renewed relationship with my family, especially my mother. I shared my last blog with her and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Her response was, "How can we help"? In the past if I opened up to her her response would be, "When are you seeing Nancy next"? This feels so good. Amazingly good. But my horrible body image and yearning to go back to that skinny body are ever present, whispering in my ear. Often I can tune those voices out, more so lately, but they're still there, like a subliminal tape playing over and over again in my mind, trying to program me to going back to not only that anorexic body, but the anorexic mindset that I fear will kill me. But there's still the denial that I was ever "that sick". Since that's not always tangible to me, I need to focus on the tangible. If I relapse, I will lose the renewed relationship with my family, especially the closeness with my mother that I have longed for for a very long time now.
When I was in the hospital a while back, my mom wrote me a poem. That poem made me cry. It still chokes me up to this very day.
To My Beautiful Daughter
The pain she feels, she thinks she, alone... owns
Her empty eyes make mine fill with silent tears
She knows not my pain
Her pain is mine
Her life is mine
Her heart aches
Her heartache is mine
I gave her life... only she can maintain it
I gave her breath... I pray she will live
It is in her hands
My life I would give to see her trul smile
My life I would give to give her life again
I can not take away her pain, I can only share it
I can only pray that she will see her worth and know herself as I do
I can only pray that she can live in self-love and celebrate the rest of her life in peace
This I want for her
Thgis I want for me
She knows not my ppain
I love you mom. And I am getting closer every day.
