CT United 911 Ride

To say I'm humbled would be an understatement. I remember that day 9 years ago and the surreal events surrounding the fall of the towers. I could not believe that acts terrorism were happening on US soil. The billowing smoke from the towers could be seen from many along the Southern Connecticut coastline. It's a day never to be forgotten. The CT United Ride will not let it be forgotten.

My dad has a motorcycle, actually two. He has his show bike, a masterpiece of art. Then he has his Fat Boy Harley. In the past, we couldn't do the ride together because he only had his show bike. We had gone in prior years to listen to the speakers in the Norden's parking lot, were all met before the ride began. The ride is the CT United Ride, to honor those who have fallen and to remember... This was the year that we would do the 60 or so mile ride together on his Fat Boy. This year we would be part of a procession of bikers showing a visible testament to the memory of the Sept. 11 attacks and the ongoing sacrifices of firefighters, police, and military personnel who sacrifice their lives.

The lot where we all met was packed. All participants were given a blue wristband. Very close estimate from wristbands issued is just under 2500 riders. There was over 100 volunteers, plus all the press, fire, police, spectators and speakers - for easily well over 3,000 in the parking lot. As I looked over the lot, all I could see were motorcycles. It was an unbelievable sight. Many State officials spoke, giving heart-wrenching speeches. Tear were shed. Patriotism abundant. A large flag was raised between two fire engine ladder trucks. All bikes would pass under the flag as they left the lot and started on their rides.

The ride cruised through Westport, Wilton, Georgetown, Redding, Bethel, Monroe, Trumbull, and Fairfield before concluding in Seaside Park.

The thing that really struck me as we went along our route were the people, standing along the roadside to show their support, patriotism and hopes for peace. It was like a parade. People were set up with lawn chairs, waving flags, showing the peace signs. We (the riders) waved to the people on the roadsides and they waved back. The people on the roadsides just filled my heart. As we passed through towns, the fire stations had raised flags same as the beginning of our ride. I lost track of the number of massive flags we road beneath. One town had 3 flags raised, one after another. There had to be 8 to 10 flags, at least. I had my ipod on, cranking tunes as I waved at everyone, offering peace signs in return of thier peace signs. I felt like I was somehow making a diffeence by getting into the spirit of the whole rde and waving and smiling. Now imagine 2500 bikers, doing the same thing. I shake my head in amazement.

The need to remember. We must never forget.

"As the time goes by the mist and clouds go over our memories," ... "You will not let that veil fill our eyes and our young people will not forget the sacrifices made by our first responders on Sept. 11 and those who continue to put their lives on the line everyday to keep us safe."

God does give you more than you can handle

I hate it when "they" say, God never gives you more than you can handle. I've been handling and handling and handling and it's getting pretty darn old. This isn't going to be rosy and have a happy ending. I'm not feeling the optimist today.

When I started this blog I was determined to not discuss my emotional issues (much), and most definitely, to not discuss my eating disorder. I felt it was important to keep a disconnect. For some odd reason I feel my eating disorder is in the past and this is who I have become. I have "issues" that I may have for the rest of my life, as though the disconnect between me and it is gone and we have merged into a single limited entity. A unit that has melded into one filled with some crazy, some calm, some anxiety, some depression, some obsession, some potentially better and some potentially worse. It isn't working for me.

When I was more active with restricting (oxymoron?) I functioned so much better. My anxiety was much less, I didn't feel as depressed, I had energy and I had drive. I've gained weight and I am miserable. I know that it acted as a drug but it was a harmless drug. Everything restricting held in check is now disproportionally out of control. I know on a rational level that I still weigh less than "ideal" with ideal being that arbitrary number "they" decide on. My efforts to separate myself from it has backfired on me. I'm a bundle of nerves. The littlest things that people take for granted have a crippling effect on me. I can not function without it. I think we have a symbiotic relationship. It can not live without me. And I obviously can not live without it. The important thing here is the degree upon which we rely on each other.

I feel disproportionate, not only in size, but in emotions. Things have happened in my family this past year that should have opened my eyes to the frailty of life. My mom developed the same cancer that took her older sister's life. My life, my struggles, my craziness, my emotionality... they had to be put on hold... or magically disappear. It was no longer about me, it was all about her. I have physically pushed beyond what I thought I could handle to cut the stress in my family. When my ex-husband developed cancer, we both felt very strongly that attitude and stress contributed to his illness. And in the same way it contributed to his cancer, it took it away. He beat all odds. I have the same beliefs regarding my mom's cancer that I did with his cancer. It's my job to keep her stress as low as possible.

I don't go out often. The littlest things can seem momentous. If my weight is up, people think I am doing well. Gaining weight (and gaining misery) has had nothing to do with me, it is all about others. I hate my life. It's simple. I hate my life. Everything I think up to make my life easier makes everyone else's more difficult. It's a catch 22. I can not continue like this. I feel like a worthless cause. I used to tell my therapist I was a waste of air. My thoughts are heading back in that direction.

I wonder what I must have done in a past life for me to be so miserable in this life. I'm doing what is "expected" of me, but in a minimalist way. The people around me see me functioning. I'm not really functioning, at least not on level with my potential. I also don't see how things can change. I want to get angry at God for giving me more than I can handle because I honestly and truly CAN NOT handle this. But I'm not important enough for God to be repeatedly testing like this. I'm not that important. This isn't a rosy and happy ending. I'm just not feeling it.

Loss of Mastery, Loss of Self - revisited

I used to have such mastery over my body. I used to be proud of a strong, muscular and powerful body. I’m upset over something that can never be and I can never have that feeling back again. I can never be that good ever again. Now all I have is a broken body, one that will never give me what I want.

That’s what I thought a few months back, and still do to an extent, but I am willing to bend a bit, re-define my expectations. I can get some of that mastery back, to a degree and I accept that. In a way, I went through the stages of grief before coming to this realization... It's the cycle of grieving the amazing body I used to have.

Denial - feeling like I can never be fit again, no matter what I do, so why bother. I am denying my role in improving my body. Its perfection of the physical or nothing.

Anger - Mad that my body is broken so no matter what I do I will never be good enough or able to reach the level I desire.

Bargaining - Hoping that if I treat my body kindly, it will revert to the me of 25 years earlier. Please, please, please...

Depression - Knowing that this can never happen. Why bother. I'm a failure. I've always been a failure.

Acceptance - I know my limitations and that is OK. It means that I can never be *that* person again, but it does not limit the person I can be in the future.

I have a personal trainer now, twice a week, and am expected to work out in some manner twice a week, so four times a week. My trainer is awesome. He called me today to see if I planned to get to the gym. My trainer is my dad. He has an amazing gym with all the bells and whistles of a fitness club. He knows his stuff. He used to train body builders. While I was working out he said the two of use could train to be in a father daughter body building competition. I said no. That's not what I want for myself. But what I do want is to be in the second best shape of my life.

My life's journey through the land of Oz

I found myself in an odd predicament. I was given the task to do something I would normally love to do, yet resistant because I couldn't do it to my normal level of near perfection. I was given the assignment to make a collage about how I see myself in the journey to the place my heart desires. I was given a little over half an hour to do what I viewed as a monumentous feat. Instead of where I saw myself in the present, I did it as my "ideal" journey… someday to be taken, though I no longer believed the destination existed.

Despite my reluctance, I am proud of the creativity and insight that came along with it. The focus was a picture from the Wizard of Oz with Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow. The group travel along a perilous path in the hopes of reaching Oz and all the magic surrounding it, singing, "We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz there was... They fight off numerous perils including a wicked witch and her flying monkeys, intent on killing Dorothy (aka me in this scenario). They placed all of their hopes and needs on this one man, "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz."

When the reach Oz, they have trouble getting in to see the Wizard at all. When the Wizard is finally exposed, free from all the smoke and magic, they find the wizard to be a mere human, with no magically qualities at all.

The Wizard is forced to show Dorothy's three friends that they already have the qualities they are asking for within themselves. They thought they lacked something - intellect, courageous strength, and a sensitive heart - but they were only deluding themselves. Each of them decisively proved that they had those qualities inside from the very start - but they hadn't looked deep enough to find them.

Dorothy learned that she didn’t need to be helped any longer. That she always had the power inside of her to get what she wanted. In a self-revelation, she realized that everything she could ever have wanted was right in her own backyard - IF she had wanted it hard enough. What she learned was, “I think that… if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow all had within them what they were seeking, but it took the journey to open their eyes to what they possessed. I am at a loss.

I wish I could just click my ruby slippers and say, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home" and be transported back to a safe place. One where I did not have insecurities upon insecurities upon insecurities, one where I did not need or want, one where I didn't fear the next thing to come around the corner.

But I have no ruby slippers to take me where my heart desires because I do not know what my heart desires. My heart is bound over and over and over with every hurt, insult, insecurity and violation that ever harmed it. I have no innocence, it was lost long ago. Deep under those bounds may lie my desires.I don't know what I want, I only know what I don't have.

I have no freedom, as it is me who keeps myself caged.

What have I learned from Dorothy?

I have learned that I can survive my travels though my journey is still long and there is much to learn.

I have learned to keep my eyes open to the people around me. We all have our own stories and in sharing our travels with one another, we gain strength.

I have learned that once I finally grasp onto that which I truly desire, I will be given the tools to reach that place, in effect, my own pair of ruby slippers.

All about my friend

I have one friend who I am happy to have and to do things yet.

I have one friend, the same one, who I wish I didn't have.

I've been dealing with some emotional issues that have kept me to my own, on my own. Those old tapes again telling me that I'm not good enough, will never be good enough, and should not bother trying to have friends. So when L. came back into my life after many years and wanted to spend time with me, despite feeling some anxiety, I was all for it. I was very happy to have someone I could do things with.

For the first year or so, the relationship was good and she never passed judgement. I don't have much money, I can't work despite trying to go back almost 2 years ago. My parents help me. L. and I did more than basic normal stuff. Trips to museums, out to movies and dinner, Manhattan, Aquariums, zoos, etc. And we still have a long laundry list of things we want to do.

L. has now decided to that it is ok to pass the imaginary line and has started making comments about my need for medication. She has told me that I need to "get off all that crap". I don't remember her going to medical school. I guess that must have been happened during our years apart while I was married and then she moved away for a bit. So why does she work as an administrative assistant if she has her medical degree? (insert major sarcasm here). I got messed up on my medications and had a seizure while I was out of the country. It was scary. Yet she has told me on at least 3 occasions that I need to "get off all that crap". It's making me angry. She takes medication for horrible stomach problems. Should I tell her that she needs to stop her medication? Just because I take most medications for emotional reasons, it seems to not be real.

Now she is telling me that I need to get back to work and that it's not fair for me to take money from my parents who supplement me so I can have a decent life. L. said, come on, you need to get off your ass and get a job. Just get over that stuff and go to work. I tried the end of 2008 to go back to work and made it 7 months before I crashed and burned. I tried to explain how I was in a really good place, feeling very well, very confident when I went back to work and that I don't feel very stable right now, especially with my ever mounting anxiety.

So, yes, I do have a friend

And often, I do have fun

Sometimes a lot

And yes I do have a friend

Someone who feels free to judge

Someone who has crossed the boundary lines

So I'm so confused.

I don't want to be alone

But at what cost?

On clutter, caffeine and random scatter thoughts

The coffee is brewing and it smells so wonderful. Coffee is my magical elixir, and I am going to need it badly today as I tackle my ever growing to do list. Before I can even deal with it, I will need an adequate amount of caffeine pulsing through my veins.

My house is out of control. It seems like for every one thing I put away or do, two more things take its place. It's not dirty by any means as I have learned how to move things from here to there and back to do my cleaning. Yesterday I spent the entire day on my filing system and threw away two fairly good sized 13 gallon white kitchen bags of shredded information about my life. As I think about all of the things I threw away, it spins my head into another direction. I am by no means a conspiracy theorist, but I love "Criminal Minds" and I would love to know what type of information their techie could pull up on me. There are also all these searches you can pay for online... it just makes me wonder. Sorry for that randomness, but I would truly love to know. Back to my clutter.

Beep, beep, beep, beep... The coffee's done brewing. I went to grab the usual sized mug, but instead grabbed my "Melissa" mug. It's a magical mug that gives me extra strength when I feel like I am drowning, unable to face the day or have a sense of sadness. I'm not sure why I grabbed it this morning (OK, I am very overwhelmed) but I need her here with me. She is my angel. My one true friend. My best friend. Someone who should have never died so young. I need my angel here with me today.

I can't believe my life has taken the direction it has. I'm the type of person who can go days and days with no interactions, probably who could just pick up and leave for a week, and not be missed. That is unless you count my parents. Sad. An adult who only interacts with her parents. But I think that, going back to my prior blog, it makes a lot of sense. Shithead moved me just far away that I couldn't get together with my friends and they all eventually stopped reaching out. All of my friends were his friends. After the divorce, he was left with everyone. I was left with no one. And I had been brainwashed into thinking I had nothing to offer others. So I prefer to stay alone. Ten years after the fact he creeps in again. He took my voice. He took my friends.

I know I need to stop blaming him, and honestly, when I started this blog he was nowhere in my mind. Anytime anyone would ever ask me about him I would say that everything about him and our marriage was tied up in a little box way in the back of my brain and that he was a non-entity.

Today I do have many acquaintances, but very few I could call friends. And all but one of those friends, live too far away for me to get together with. I think this is a good way to stop for today because talking about my one friend in the area could fill up another page.

I feel the caffeine starting to work, and the antsy-ness to get everything done today. I am a huge overachiever and put way too much pressure on myself. But I have a plan for today.

Cleaning guidelines:

1. Make a written to-do list to put up on the wall with estimated time to be spent on each task

2. Work off of that list and not stray and add on other things

3. Limit time spent on each task per #1

4. Tackle the small littles before the two bigs

5. Keep the coffee going

6. Grab my ipod and continue listening to "The Lucky One" by Nicholas Sparks which limits distractions

7. Treat myself kindly in one way, shape or form