All about my friend

I have one friend who I am happy to have and to do things yet.

I have one friend, the same one, who I wish I didn't have.

I've been dealing with some emotional issues that have kept me to my own, on my own. Those old tapes again telling me that I'm not good enough, will never be good enough, and should not bother trying to have friends. So when L. came back into my life after many years and wanted to spend time with me, despite feeling some anxiety, I was all for it. I was very happy to have someone I could do things with.

For the first year or so, the relationship was good and she never passed judgement. I don't have much money, I can't work despite trying to go back almost 2 years ago. My parents help me. L. and I did more than basic normal stuff. Trips to museums, out to movies and dinner, Manhattan, Aquariums, zoos, etc. And we still have a long laundry list of things we want to do.

L. has now decided to that it is ok to pass the imaginary line and has started making comments about my need for medication. She has told me that I need to "get off all that crap". I don't remember her going to medical school. I guess that must have been happened during our years apart while I was married and then she moved away for a bit. So why does she work as an administrative assistant if she has her medical degree? (insert major sarcasm here). I got messed up on my medications and had a seizure while I was out of the country. It was scary. Yet she has told me on at least 3 occasions that I need to "get off all that crap". It's making me angry. She takes medication for horrible stomach problems. Should I tell her that she needs to stop her medication? Just because I take most medications for emotional reasons, it seems to not be real.

Now she is telling me that I need to get back to work and that it's not fair for me to take money from my parents who supplement me so I can have a decent life. L. said, come on, you need to get off your ass and get a job. Just get over that stuff and go to work. I tried the end of 2008 to go back to work and made it 7 months before I crashed and burned. I tried to explain how I was in a really good place, feeling very well, very confident when I went back to work and that I don't feel very stable right now, especially with my ever mounting anxiety.

So, yes, I do have a friend

And often, I do have fun

Sometimes a lot

And yes I do have a friend

Someone who feels free to judge

Someone who has crossed the boundary lines

So I'm so confused.

I don't want to be alone

But at what cost?