My life's journey through the land of Oz

I found myself in an odd predicament. I was given the task to do something I would normally love to do, yet resistant because I couldn't do it to my normal level of near perfection. I was given the assignment to make a collage about how I see myself in the journey to the place my heart desires. I was given a little over half an hour to do what I viewed as a monumentous feat. Instead of where I saw myself in the present, I did it as my "ideal" journey… someday to be taken, though I no longer believed the destination existed.

Despite my reluctance, I am proud of the creativity and insight that came along with it. The focus was a picture from the Wizard of Oz with Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow. The group travel along a perilous path in the hopes of reaching Oz and all the magic surrounding it, singing, "We're off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz! If ever a Wiz there was... They fight off numerous perils including a wicked witch and her flying monkeys, intent on killing Dorothy (aka me in this scenario). They placed all of their hopes and needs on this one man, "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz."

When the reach Oz, they have trouble getting in to see the Wizard at all. When the Wizard is finally exposed, free from all the smoke and magic, they find the wizard to be a mere human, with no magically qualities at all.

The Wizard is forced to show Dorothy's three friends that they already have the qualities they are asking for within themselves. They thought they lacked something - intellect, courageous strength, and a sensitive heart - but they were only deluding themselves. Each of them decisively proved that they had those qualities inside from the very start - but they hadn't looked deep enough to find them.

Dorothy learned that she didn’t need to be helped any longer. That she always had the power inside of her to get what she wanted. In a self-revelation, she realized that everything she could ever have wanted was right in her own backyard - IF she had wanted it hard enough. What she learned was, “I think that… if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard because, if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.”

Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow all had within them what they were seeking, but it took the journey to open their eyes to what they possessed. I am at a loss.

I wish I could just click my ruby slippers and say, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home" and be transported back to a safe place. One where I did not have insecurities upon insecurities upon insecurities, one where I did not need or want, one where I didn't fear the next thing to come around the corner.

But I have no ruby slippers to take me where my heart desires because I do not know what my heart desires. My heart is bound over and over and over with every hurt, insult, insecurity and violation that ever harmed it. I have no innocence, it was lost long ago. Deep under those bounds may lie my desires.I don't know what I want, I only know what I don't have.

I have no freedom, as it is me who keeps myself caged.

What have I learned from Dorothy?

I have learned that I can survive my travels though my journey is still long and there is much to learn.

I have learned to keep my eyes open to the people around me. We all have our own stories and in sharing our travels with one another, we gain strength.

I have learned that once I finally grasp onto that which I truly desire, I will be given the tools to reach that place, in effect, my own pair of ruby slippers.