Loss of Mastery, Loss of Self - revisited

I used to have such mastery over my body. I used to be proud of a strong, muscular and powerful body. I’m upset over something that can never be and I can never have that feeling back again. I can never be that good ever again. Now all I have is a broken body, one that will never give me what I want.

That’s what I thought a few months back, and still do to an extent, but I am willing to bend a bit, re-define my expectations. I can get some of that mastery back, to a degree and I accept that. In a way, I went through the stages of grief before coming to this realization... It's the cycle of grieving the amazing body I used to have.

Denial - feeling like I can never be fit again, no matter what I do, so why bother. I am denying my role in improving my body. Its perfection of the physical or nothing.

Anger - Mad that my body is broken so no matter what I do I will never be good enough or able to reach the level I desire.

Bargaining - Hoping that if I treat my body kindly, it will revert to the me of 25 years earlier. Please, please, please...

Depression - Knowing that this can never happen. Why bother. I'm a failure. I've always been a failure.

Acceptance - I know my limitations and that is OK. It means that I can never be *that* person again, but it does not limit the person I can be in the future.

I have a personal trainer now, twice a week, and am expected to work out in some manner twice a week, so four times a week. My trainer is awesome. He called me today to see if I planned to get to the gym. My trainer is my dad. He has an amazing gym with all the bells and whistles of a fitness club. He knows his stuff. He used to train body builders. While I was working out he said the two of use could train to be in a father daughter body building competition. I said no. That's not what I want for myself. But what I do want is to be in the second best shape of my life.