My house is out of control. It seems like for every one thing I put away or do, two more things take its place. It's not dirty by any means as I have learned how to move things from here to there and back to do my cleaning. Yesterday I spent the entire day on my filing system and threw away two fairly good sized 13 gallon white kitchen bags of shredded information about my life. As I think about all of the things I threw away, it spins my head into another direction. I am by no means a conspiracy theorist, but I love "Criminal Minds" and I would love to know what type of information their techie could pull up on me. There are also all these searches you can pay for online... it just makes me wonder. Sorry for that randomness, but I would truly love to know. Back to my clutter.
Beep, beep, beep, beep... The coffee's done brewing. I went to grab the usual sized mug, but instead grabbed my "Melissa" mug. It's a magical mug that gives me extra strength when I feel like I am drowning, unable to face the day or have a sense of sadness. I'm not sure why I grabbed it this morning (OK, I am very overwhelmed) but I need her here with me. She is my angel. My one true friend. My best friend. Someone who should have never died so young. I need my angel here with me today.
I can't believe my life has taken the direction it has. I'm the type of person who can go days and days with no interactions, probably who could just pick up and leave for a week, and not be missed. That is unless you count my parents. Sad. An adult who only interacts with her parents. But I think that, going back to my prior blog, it makes a lot of sense. Shithead moved me just far away that I couldn't get together with my friends and they all eventually stopped reaching out. All of my friends were his friends. After the divorce, he was left with everyone. I was left with no one. And I had been brainwashed into thinking I had nothing to offer others. So I prefer to stay alone. Ten years after the fact he creeps in again. He took my voice. He took my friends.
I know I need to stop blaming him, and honestly, when I started this blog he was nowhere in my mind. Anytime anyone would ever ask me about him I would say that everything about him and our marriage was tied up in a little box way in the back of my brain and that he was a non-entity.
Today I do have many acquaintances, but very few I could call friends. And all but one of those friends, live too far away for me to get together with. I think this is a good way to stop for today because talking about my one friend in the area could fill up another page.
I feel the caffeine starting to work, and the antsy-ness to get everything done today. I am a huge overachiever and put way too much pressure on myself. But I have a plan for today.
Cleaning guidelines:
1. Make a written to-do list to put up on the wall with estimated time to be spent on each task
2. Work off of that list and not stray and add on other things
3. Limit time spent on each task per #1
4. Tackle the small littles before the two bigs
5. Keep the coffee going
6. Grab my ipod and continue listening to "The Lucky One" by Nicholas Sparks which limits distractions
7. Treat myself kindly in one way, shape or form
1 comment:
I am angered over how much pain you have been through. I truly am. You deserve so much better! Although I do have to say that you technique in writing is absolutely beautiful, and I love the way that you can take a negative situation and turn it into a positive!
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